the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize