i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
