Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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