His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
