Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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