I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Can I color on your dick again?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
