You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
