Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
