Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
