You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
