I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
