apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
we should paint friendship bongs
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