alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
