and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
