Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
