i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize