there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
