What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
