yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
