i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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