I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
