You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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