Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
