Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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