My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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