I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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