I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
