The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
