I hate your face
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
