I think I am morally bankrupt
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
