If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize