Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
