Your mouth is God's brothel.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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