so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
