i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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