i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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