Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
