you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
