I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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