So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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