I could make wine with my vomit
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
