doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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