how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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