his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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