its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
