Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
