yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
