Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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