why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
