I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
