watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
