omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
