Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
