Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
