You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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