my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
