failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
