please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
