my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
