hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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