My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
