dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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